Blog Buffet

Today I'm going to write a bunch of briefies for your reading pleasure. Read them all or sample, it's up to you. That's the upside of a buffet. The downside is that bitch who picks out all the baby corn so you don't get any, and that guy who hogs the chicken wings. Well, he's going to get sick later because the mashed potatoes are past their expiration date. So there.

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A couple blogs back I mentioned that guy who self-published a hard science fiction book called The Martian, which took off like a rocket ship and eventually brought him a movie deal. After I calmed down and got over my jealousy fit, I realized he'd proved a theory of mine. It is possible to make a million bucks a dollar at a time. He created a product, priced it at 99 cents, and got a whole shitload of people to each give him a dollar. Granted, he got a boost towards the end from the Random House hardcover sale and the movie deal, but he was doing just fine on his own before that happened. I don't know if he's earned a full million yet, which was also part of my theory: you won't get the million all at once. It's an accrual process.

The big question now is, what does he do for an encore? It's like being George Lucas after Star Wars. Not that Lucas ever had to work again after Star Wars. I suggest this guy retire, enjoy his good fortune, and write for his own amusement. Which is what led to his success in the first place. Good luck, guy.

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The other day my luck ran out. The odds finally caught up with me. I was in the bathroom and using the handicapped stall when an honest-to-gosh handicapped person came in. There I was, parked in her designated space. I told her to hang on, I'd be right out, then I rushed through pulling up the pants and exited the stall posthaste. She was Mennonite, so I was spared any snide remarks or dirty looks. They're nice people.

I've been using handicapped stalls for years, and this is the first time this has happened. I'm not the only one who does it, either. They're a favorite of moms with small kids, especially if Mom has two or more in tow. Those stalls are nice and roomy. You can take the whole brood in there and keep an eye on them while they do their business. Plus there's the added safety of the bars, which the kids can hang onto or play on while Bro or Sis takes a dump.

I've found the bars good to grab on if I have to strain, and they make standing easier when my knee gives me trouble. Besides, I'm not as skinny as I was at 20. I've been in stalls that are narrow as cattle chutes. I feel like I should come out bucking. I have room to spread out and store my stuff in a handicapped stall. Given the country's obesity epidemic, I say all stalls should be handicapped stalls, so we can all enjoy these advantages.

I don't park in handicapped spaces, though. I like to park next to cart returns. Not only can I just drop off the cart, it makes it easier finding the car. Plus it wouldn't hurt me to walk a few extra steps. Do enough of that and maybe someday I'll be able to fit into a regular stall.

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WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. Got watching the original '60s version of Planet of the Apes again the other day. This time something finally hit me: it's the only movie in the series where the apes are fully in charge. In the second one there was a group of mutated humans who could still talk and think. They blew up the planet at the end of the movie. Guess the damn dirty apes were right about mankind all along. The last three movies in the original series took place in the past (the moviegoer's present/near future) and showed how the apes came to power. I don't recall ever seeing the last one (Battle for the Planet of the Apes?) but I think some humans were still intelligent at the end of it. When Tim Burton did his remake, humans were repressed, but not mindless, dumb animals. I think there were native, intelligent humans in the TV series, too.

Why? Because we humans are an arrogant bunch, and we don't like watching movies where we're not at the top of the food chain. We want our happy endings, defined as "humans win." That's why Ripley keeps defeating the Aliens, and Arnie made his Terminator character a good guy after he became a big star. In Jurassic Park us hairless monkeys can't even hope for a draw, so the humans keep running away. The dinos always win in the end, but the human characters are still alive.

I blame Star Wars for today's near-extinction of the downer movie ending. More movies coming out of the '60s and '70s had downer endings. I'm not talking bittersweet or mildly hopeful. I'm talking flat-out downer, like the '70s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Man, I hated the end of that movie. But that was the '70s. That era ended when Jaws and Star Wars raked in the big bucks with high action and triumphant endings. Show me a recent movie that made huge box office while being a total downer. Go ahead, I dare ya. (And not Titanic. Rose survives. That had a bittersweet ending.)

In fact, I challenge anyone to show me an adaptation of Animal Farm that keeps the book's ending intact. I'm not holding my breath.

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Finally, a question arose in the grocery store checkout while I was buying Mrs. Paul's fish fillets. Namely, what does Mr. Paul do? Sit home and drink beer while his wife is out working? There's a possibility Mr. Paul is the Gorton's Fisherman, which means he's out to sea most of the time. I suspect Mrs. Paul is having an affair with Uncle Ben behind Aunt Jemima's back. There's a whole sleazy soap opera going on in the packaged foods aisle. I'd stay away from the canned goods altogether. You don't want to know where the Green Giant's been. Ho ho ho!

One Day at a Time

And here we are, at the opening of yet another brand new year. Made your resolutions yet? Broke ‘em already? Welcome to the club. I too was once a part of the resolution crowd. January 1 would find me making lists of long-term goals and plans on how I would achieve them. For instance, if I start right now and lose a mere five pounds a month, by the end of the year I’ll have dropped sixty pounds. And my pants, because they won’t fit me any more. And I’m going to do it, just as soon as I eat that ice cream I bought the other day. I guess I’ll have to exercise now. Too bad it’s too cold to go outside.

This is why I won’t be making long-term resolutions this year. The only thing easier to make than resolutions are the excuses for failing them. The average wait time between the making and the breaking of my New Year’s resolutions is usually about a week. Sometimes a day, if we’re dealing with anything food-related.

For 2015 I’ll be taking a different approach. I’ll be using the addicts’ method and taking my resolutions a day at a time. I’ll be measuring my goals by days and weeks. By the end of January I’ll reassess and see what needs to be done. Then it’s on to February. Lather, rinse, repeat.

At the end of the year I hope to have several more books added to my backlist and maybe a few stories out. A steady income would be nice. I may have to look for a regular job. I’m going to put that one off until April so I won’t have to drive in ice. Big plus for the writing life: you get to work at home. Big minus: the TV and the fridge are sitting right there, calling out to you. Dumping even five pounds a month may turn out to be tougher than I thought.

To help me stay on track, I’ve got one of those desktop-sized calendars with my monthly goals and deadlines on it, propped up where I can’t ignore it. This week I want to finish the first draft of my WIP and start formatting that porn story. By the end of January either one or both should be in submittable form, and I should have a draft of something else under way. That one I want to have ready to sub to a publisher by the end of February. And so forth.

QUICK SIDE NOTE: Office supply departments are getting skimpy in the big stores like WalMart and KMart, so I went to a couple office supply stores to price those big calendars. The cheapest I could find was $8. Others were close to $20. Screw that. I found a large sketch pad at the dollar store and made my own with colored markers. Take that, Office Max!

I’m hoping these deadlines and highly-visible reminders help me deal with my procrastination. Recall, if you will, my methods for making a million dollars: either get a million people to each give you a dollar, or come up with a million items to sell for a dollar each. I’m using a combination of the two. My overall goal is a minimum of twelve books/stories out, one a month, and hope that generates some income. Definitely need to get over the procrastination.

It always helps to have some kind of consequence for missing deadlines. In the working world, it’s called getting canned. For those of us striving to be self-employed, it’s known as homelessness. The money I’ve been living on for the last couple years is starting to run low, so I need to step up my game and get serious about this writing thing. It’s either that or look for a job, and prospects aren’t too numerous in my neck of the woods. I’d move in with and mooch off my brother, but I don’t like my sister-in-law.

Besides, Stray Kitty’s resolution appears to be “eat more.” Half a can for breakfast isn’t enough for him now. He sticks around for seconds. Then he comes back in the afternoon for a snack. Talk about a moocher. Of course he’s a cat, so he’s entitled. So I have to work harder in 2015. I’ve got a mooching stray who won’t even let me pet him to support. It’s like having a kid or a boyfriend, just without all the basketball.

I realize this is Thursday, but I’m typing these words on Tuesday so I can schedule the blog to post New Year’s Day, when the library’s closed. I thought I’d get a jump on the New Year and start the New Week on Sunday, but … well, things got in the way. I’m already running behind. I’ll see about catching up on New Year’s Eve, provided I can stay up until midnight. Maybe I can teach Stray Kitty to type. Make him earn his cat food. There’s a resolution for you. Happy New Year!

Do, or Do Not

Good news for me: the logjam that’s been blocking my writing muscle finally loosened up, and I’m back to working on a book. I don’t want to say any more because I don’t want to jinx it. This particular WIP wasn’t high up on my list, but I know it’s the one. Why? Because my mind has starting supplying me with solutions to the problems that caused me to trunk it in the first place. For instance, I knew there had to be a confrontation between the good guy and the bad guy, but the good guy was physically outclassed. He’d have to outthink his opponent. Earlier this week I figured out how he does it. Now I’ve got ideas for scenes I can use to set up the climactic fight scene while also building the relationship between the characters and furthering the story. Damn, I’m good.

Best of all, an abused animal now gets to take on-screen revenge on the bad guy. That’ll make Savanna happy. Wins all around!

This book is part of our shared universe, so it’ll have to be self-published. That’s not a problem any more. I’ve already practiced formatting, though I didn’t upload. I’m saving that step for the porn. We’ve got two members in the group who do covers, so that’s, um, covered too.

Now all I have to do is type the porn draft into the laptop, format it, come up with a blurb that’s not too dirty, commission a cover, and upload. I’ve kind of been dragging my feet on these small but vital tasks. Procrastinating, in other words. That’s the one thing I’m really good at.

Trouble is, procrastination doesn’t put food on the table or bucks in my wallet. I’m going to have to put off the putting off, get the butt in gear, and actually do something.

This goes back to my mini-lecture of some weeks back, on how to go about getting a million dollars. What I said then still holds true: you have to work. Whether it’s for a paycheck or for your own benefit, eighty hours a week or forty or two, you have to work. It’s better to work smart than work hard, but “work” is still the operative verb in that sentence. Wishing and whining won’t cut it. Action is the only thing that will.

You have to create your product. You have to advertise it. You have to do market research, connect with your customers, find new customers and keep former ones interested. You have to stay alert for trends and changes in the market. If you’re not so good at one of these steps, you’d better find and hire somebody who is. Businesses won’t grow on their own. They have to be nurtured and maintained. To keep them going, you can’t just sit behind a desk and give orders. You have to do.

When you’re a writer, most of this is on you. You can hire an agent to market for you (recommended if you’re aiming for Big 5 publishing), and I suppose you could hire someone to do your promo for you (you think Stephen King ever stops by his own web site?), but most of the other stuff, especially creation of the product, is all in your lap, bunky. No writee, no money. It’s as simple as that.

I know what I need to do to translate my words into money. And I do do these things eventually. I’m still not the best at promo. I need to rectify that. I also need to knock off the put-offery and just sit down and do stuff. Like writing the stories, for starters.

I don’t know what’s holding me back. Maybe I’ve got a subconscious fear of success or something. Maybe I’m just plain lazy. Should I be calling Dr. Phil?

I don’t have much faith in Dr. Phil. Yoda said it better anyway. There is no try. Try is for procrastinators, lazy asses and losers. Do, or do not.

Because doing things is the only way things get done. When things get done and done right, you benefit from it. Your life gets better and you’re happier. You get to buy that car you want, and keep up the rent on your apartment—or even buy a house!—and food shows up on your plate on a regular basis and it ain’t just Ramen noodles, either. I like it when I can eat regular meals, and I enjoy having a car. And the rent is always due. This is what’s known as motivation.

I’m doing the right things, just not often enough. I’m working on fixing that. Starting with me getting back to finishing the draft of that book. I can work on self-pubbing the porn while my deathless prose cools off. I’m going to have at least one new story on the market before October’s over, see if I don’t.

Here’s what I want you folks to do: hold me to that. If I don’t have a draft finished or something up on Amazon by the end of the month, come here and yell at me. Make me feel like a lazy slug so I’ll get angry and do something other than watch TV. In return … well, I really can’t offer anything except something new for you to read. Best I can do. If you want cupcakes, go motivate a baker.

Hmmm … November’s coming up. National Write a Novel in a Month month. Do I dare … ? I’d better think about that one. Really, really hard.

If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?

Today we wrap up my mini-tutorial on how to make a million dollars. We’ve established there are two basic plans: you get a million people to each give you a dollar, or you create a million items and charge a dollar apiece. Both methods will work, provided you put in the time and effort necessary to make things happen. I’ve already given examples from my personal experience.

Speaking of that personal experience … you’re probably asking yourself right now, “Since she’s writing about this, has it worked for her?”

Welllll …

Here comes the downside to my methods. Every plan has one. Some have several. Will the plans I proposed make you rich? Possibly. Eventually. That’s downside number one: it doesn’t happen immediately. You will make a million dollars, but it’ll be spread out over a number of months, more likely years. Nobody wants to hear that, I know, but that’s how it works. If you want gobs of money right this instant, go play the lottery, or rob a bank.

The biggest drawback to my plans: you will have to work. It takes time, and it takes effort. Sorry, but that’s also part of the deal. The methods don’t work unless you do.

I’ve already alluded to my feelings about hard work: mostly it pays off, but sometimes it doesn’t. The “doesn’t” comes into play when you’re trying to get rich working for other people. It worked for my brother, but the stars were aligned in his favor. That job with the Big Corporation wasn’t his first, by the way. I believe it was his third. It didn’t happen overnight, either. I’d say it took him at least a decade. He was still able to retire at age 50 with his million in the bank. His son, my nephew, was following the same path when the economy tanked. He got laid off. I’ve busted my butt for companies that went belly up, or else sent my job overseas. Google “Jack Kirby,” the man who co-created the Marvel Universe and all those colorful characters like the Avengers, currently making billions for Disney/Marvel. Check out the percentage his estate gets. Hint: it rhymes with “zilch.” (Another hint: if you’re a writer or artist, read those contracts carefully and make sure you retain the rights to what you’ve created. Watch out for “work for hire” clauses.) When you’re an employee, making other people rich, hard work doesn’t always pay off. Assess your situation and act accordingly.

If you’re in business for yourself, hard work is a given. You can’t pawn it off on other people. It’s all on you. You do the legwork, you rake in the bucks. If there were any shortcuts, we’d all have that million in the bank now, right?

Another quick aside: I am aware of that New Agey theory proposed by The Secret: Your mind creates the thoughts that attract what you want. Simply send your thoughts out to the Universe and the Universe will cough up what you ask for. Huh. That sounds easy. Try it. Right now. Say this out loud: “I want a million dollars.” Let me know how it works out, and when.

There's nothing wrong with positive thinking, but I don’t have much faith in this aspect of it. Try this experiment while you’re at it: Stand in the middle of a busy street. Think real hard at the cars barreling toward you. Your thoughts should be powerful enough to shape your reality so you don’t get flattened. Let me know how that one works out.

The rest of us will see the cars bearing down on us and haul ass out of the street. I guarantee that will work. This is the real secret to getting a million dollars: the Universe doesn’t give a crap about proactive wishing. The Universe rewards positive action. Tape this saying up on your wall: “The Lord helps those that help themselves.”

If you want a million dollars, you’re going to have to go out and find those million people with a spare dollar in their pockets, or create a million products and work at selling them. How fast you amass that million will be reflected in the amount of effort you put into it.

Which brings us back to me. What percentage of that million did I earn today?

Um …

Therein lies my problem. I probably shouldn’t be self-employed because I’m really lazy. It takes me forever to write stuff. I think I had two stories out on the market in a single year one time. The other week, instead of writing, I went out and mowed the lawn. I even held off writing this blog, that’s why I’m posting so late. Needless to say, I am not currently a millionaire.

Note the word “currently.”

If you’re a procrastinator, if the thought of hard work makes you shudder, if you’d rather watch reality TV than write (now I’m shuddering), you have my complete understanding, and my sympathy. It’s so easy to put off the actions that will bring in the money. There’s housework, and yard work, and trips to the grocery store, no point in getting started because I’ll just have to stop and make dinner and hey, look, that movie I love is on again, and next thing you know the day’s over and you don’t have any dollars in your wallet. The good news is, you can change your thoughts and your actions. Like getting the million, it’ll take time and it’ll be tough, but it can be done.

To prove it, I'm committing to the challenge. I’m going to put my money where my mouth is and get busy coming up with a million stories to send out to market, in the hopes they net me my million over the next twelve months. It would probably be easier if I was on Facebook and tried connecting with the million people and their dollar bills, but I suck at social media. I may swing in that direction after my fingers fall off. For now, I’m going to concentrate on creating my product, and work hard at writing—and, yes, selling—the best damn stories I’m capable of producing. I figure I’m going to have to sub at least one story a week, but eventually I’ll see a payoff. I’ll give a progress report every couple of weeks. Guess I won’t be watching reality TV any more.

I’d ask you folks to keep me on track, but you’ll all be too busy earning your own million. Don’t forget to send me your dollars. They mount up.

I Got Myself a Plan (or two)

Hello there! If you’re one of the hundreds who dropped by last week, welcome back. I figured that title (“How to Make a Million Dollars”) would lure people in, but I wasn’t expecting such a response. Obviously people are interested in finance, so I think I’ll stick with the topic, for this week at least. And it’ll have to be from my limited personal experience. I’m a writer, not a financial expert. If I wanted to be rich, I wouldn’t be a writer.

That said, I stand by both the plans I proposed last week. They will work, eventually. You can get a million dollars by persuading a million individuals to each give you a dollar, or by producing a million items to sell for a dollar each. Your success will hinge on the quality of your product, customer demand, and how hard you’re willing to work. You won’t get the million all at once, but with luck and good timing along with the other requirements mentioned, I’ll bet you can earn yourself a comfortable living.

Though maybe not at writing. That’s tricky to make a living at. Most of the time you’ll find yourself waiting for weeks for word from publishers, and the word might be “no”. If it’s a story or article, you get a one-time payment (sometimes on acceptance, but sometimes on publication, which can be another year or two). If it’s a book, you might get an advance. E-books, the wave of the future, don’t pay advances. Either way, royalty payments are usually sent out quarterly, sometimes monthly, occasionally twice a year. That’s assuming your book sold enough to earn you royalties. I once got a royalty payment of three pennies. No kidding. They sent me three pennies in an envelope. The stamp cost more than the payment. Oh, and while you’re waiting for your money, the bills keep showing up in your mailbox with depressing regularity. Hope you held onto your day job.

If you want to make a million faster than that, you’ll probably be better off choosing a different product. If I could bake, I’d do cookies or cupcakes or muffins or something along those lines. Nobody’s going to turn down a cupcake, and you can whip up a couple of dozen of those in an afternoon. Some places are already selling muffins at a dollar a pop. Just find a million people hungry for your product and you’re in business.

True life example: local (Lancaster, PA) businesswoman Anne Beiler. She made her millions with pretzels—the soft pretzel, to be specific. Ever heard of the Auntie Anne’s franchise? That’s her. She’s rich now, but she wasn’t when she started out. She built the foundations of her fortune at a farmer’s market in Downingtown, selling one pretzel at a time. Her efforts paid off handsomely: she sold her company a couple years back for several million dollars. Think about that next time you’re smearing mustard on a pretzel.

Here’s what she did right. She took a popular regional treat (the Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzel) and, if you’ll pardon the pun, put her own twist on it. Food, especially portable snack food, tends to go over big with shoppers. Beiler experimented with flavors like garlic and cinnamon, and set up shop in a venue with plenty of hungry foot traffic. Her product caught on with the buying public, and she was on her way.

Now at this point she could have stuck with the farmer’s market stand or opened her own pretzel shop and continued as a one-woman operation and maybe done all right. Instead she took a chance and opted to franchise. Auntie Anne’s pretzel stands started popping up all over the place, with other people making the pretzels according to her recipe.

Beiler got out of the kitchen and stepped into the CEO’s office. That’s another decision you may find yourself faced with. How big of a business do you want? Do you want to do it all yourself, or farm some or all of the tasks out to others while you supervise?

No matter how big or small your operation becomes, it all comes down to following one of the two plans: you either find a million people willing to give you a dollar for something, or create a million products and charge a dollar apiece. Or $5, or $10, or whatever the market’s willing to bear. I’m just using the dollar as an example. How many people you can get to hand over those dollars will determine how fast your million mounts up.

That’s the bad news. No matter how you choose to make your million, at some point it’s going to require selling. Life is all about selling: selling a product, selling your services, selling yourself to a potential employer. If you hate the thought of sales, too bad. You want to be rich? You’re now a salesperson. Like it or don’t, it’s the only game in town.

Right now, I’m not very good at it. Those hundreds of page views we got last week? I don’t think I made any sales. I won’t know for sure until the quarterly royalties come in. Looks like I need to work harder on my sales and marketing techniques. Or maybe I’ll go bake muffins. If that takes off, I can write a cookbook. Wishing you huge profits …

How to Make a Million Dollars

There. That ought to guarantee me a couple of thousand hits. Now I have to deliver. D’oh!

It’s been said if you want to be rich, you have to work hard. To which I say: well, kind’a. You have to work hard at the right things, under favorable conditions. And you can get rich working for other people—if you work hard at the right things, under favorable conditions.

True life example: my brother landed a job with a Big Corporation (think “soup” and “Mmm mmm good”). He negotiated with unions and assessed company plants and decided which ones could be closed. He was paid very well to eliminate other peoples’ jobs, thus saving the company money. His bonuses alone exceeded my yearly salary. In addition, he took advantage of offered stock options. He was able to retire at 50 with a million dollars in the bank and a hefty stock portfolio. He worked hard and he worked for someone else and in both cases it paid off.

My first full-time office job ended in layoff after a year and a half because the company I worked for took a downturn. (They were an engineering firm that specialized in nuclear power plants. I joined the team in the early ‘80s, after Three Mile Island.) My last full-time job (copy editor for medical journals) ended in layoff in less than a year when our biggest customer moved the work to India. In both cases, all the hard work in the world would not have made a difference. Those jobs were doomed by outside circumstances.

Nor would they have made me a millionaire, not at an hourly wage. Most hourly jobs fall under overhead, a drain on company profits. That’s why so many of them go overseas, where hourly wages are cheaper. If you want to get rich working for somebody else, take a position that brings money into the company. The owners will make you rich if you make them even richer. You’ll never become a millionaire behind the counter at McDonald’s, no matter how hard you bust your butt. Unless you’re Dave Thomas, who took what he learned as a McDonald’s manager and opened his own burger franchise. He worked hard at something that mattered, and it paid off handsomely for him.

And that’s my view on the relationship between hard work and big money. If you want to become a millionaire without working hard, I suggest you go into politics.

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Since this is a writing blog, more or less, I should probably relate the topic at hand to writing. How can your average fiction writer make a million dollars?

Easy. Write Twilight. Or file the serial numbers off your massive (and popular) Twilight fanfic and call it 50 Shades of Grey.

Seriously, you can get rich writing fiction. Or at least make a comfortable living. There’s a huge and hungry market out there for certain genres and if you’re good at one of those you’ll do okay. Will you make a million dollars? There’s no guarantee. All I can give you is a solid “maybe.”

Right now it appears the most successful writers are writing romance, and they have a new release every month or so, usually as part of a series. I’m okay with the romance and series parts, but I don’t write that fast. Hoping your book becomes the next Twilight isn’t going to work. It might, but what if it doesn’t? If you want that million, you’re going to have to write more than one book. You may have to write a dozen. One of those could hit it big. Or none of them. What’s a writer to do?

Keep writing. Learn how to promote. Find your market. Work hard at what matters.

Here’s my plan for making a million dollars through writing: get a million people to each give me a dollar. Don’t laugh. It’s a workable plan. It might take a while, but working hard at writing the best damn book possible, and working even harder at promotion and connecting to my target audience, is bound to pay off eventually. All I need is one dollar apiece, one time, from a whole lotta people. That’s not asking for much. After all, the goal is to accumulate a million dollars. I never said anything about getting it in one lump sum. If you fall short—plateau at, say, $500,000—that’s still nothing to sneeze at.

And if that fails … I’ve got my Plan B in the works. It’s harder and will take far longer and require a lot more work, but it can be done. That’s the inverse of Plan A: sub a million manuscripts and hope each one brings in at least a dollar. That’s not as insurmountable as it sounds. They don’t all have to be full-length novels. There are markets that pay $5 for flash stories of under a thousand words. If you’re good at those, you can knock out a dozen stories in a day. If you sell even half, you’re ahead of the game. Those $5 checks add up.

Or write a series in a popular genre. Or write articles or short stories or advertising copy or whatever you’re best at and whatever brings in the income. The more you get out there, the better your chances. The more you write, the more you’ll improve, which also increases your chances. One of those books could become the next Twilight.

As screenwriter William Goldman once said of Hollywood, “Nobody knows anything.” That applies to just about everything. No one has the slightest idea what’s going to be successful, not until they see it. They can’t see it if you don’t write it and send it out.

Or you could just marry a rich person. Or blackmail a rich person. That works, too.

Hope this helped. If you’d like to help me become a millionaire, here’s my Amazon page. Jessalina’s Pets isn’t on Amazon yet, but you can get it here. Don’t look at me like that. Panhandlers make a pretty good living, but even they have to work at it.

If anybody figures out a way to get rich without the work part, please let me know. Maybe I’ll ask my Congressman.