The Hunt for the Holy Grail

I ask in advance that you keep your gasps of horror and pity to yourself. While I do have a laptop and a fair amount of knowledge regarding computers, I don’t have Internet at home. Too cheap, and no need. I live within walking distance of a public library and can get free WiFi there. That’s been sufficient for my Internet needs, and I get a bit of exercise to boot.

All was fine for many years. I went to the library, checked my email, posted on my blog, and wrote smutty books for an erotic romance epublisher. Before I got the laptop, I used to have to type my submissions on the library system and save them on disk (remember those?) because my home system, the still-hanging-in-there Troglodyte 1000, won’t talk to any computer built in the 21st century. The laptop’s Internet ready and is just waiting for me to pony up the bucks.

But why bother? It’s not just the library. Quite a few places have free WiFi these days. Just find one, set up, and you’re good to go.

Until recently.

Everything was fine until last year. I signed in one day, went to my publisher’s site, and found it blocked by the library’s content filter for “adult/explicit content.” The library doesn’t want people looking at dirty books any more. Not even adults who wrote the dirty books. I spoke to the fine folks behind the counter and they sorrowfully assured me nothing could be done. I later did an informal survey and discovered the libraries in most surrounding counties will let me onto the site. I’m writing erotic paranormal romance in one of the most religiously conservative areas in Pennsylvania. If I still lived in Berks County this wouldn’t be an issue, at least not at the moment. Lucky me.

But hey, no big. McDonald’s has free WiFi, and they’ll let you look at anything, even flat-out legitimate porn. You don’t even have to buy anything. There’s a McDonald’s about a five minute drive from my house. For months I stopped in at Mickey D’s once or twice a week to check sales and see what my fellow smut writers were up to. Birdsongs and rainbows, etc.

Until this spring, when they had a fire. The McDonald’s by my house shut down. Don’t panic: they already had plans to build a new McD’s on the other side of town, closer to the bypass exit. The old one will be refurbished and will reopen eventually.

In the meantime, I had to find a new source of WiFi for Sundays when the library’s closed. Hopefully, one that wouldn't also block my publisher’s site. That lets out Burger King. There’s one of those just up the road from McDonald’s, but they won’t let me on the Siren site either. That’s why I started going to McDonald’s. The Dunkin Donuts out by the turnpike will let me onto the main Bookstrand site, but not the Siren pages. The computer flat out told me, “This is pornography.” Even though you can still see all the books on the main site. Somebody explain computer logic to me. (I’ve been told these blocks are all caused by the computer programs. No human being is ever to blame.)

Wait! A ray of hope! We have a Sheetz up by the exit. They have free WiFi and a quiet little dining section with plenty of outlets and their system lets you look at anything. For two weeks it was perfect. Then we had a massive thunderstorm and power got knocked out for hours. Sheetz’s WiFi hasn’t worked right since. Sometimes it’ll let me connect, but most of the time it doesn’t. Scratch that off the list.

Oh look, the new McDonald’s is open! Oh wait, they haven’t hooked up their WiFi yet. Put that one on the back burner for now.

I can get WiFi at Starbucks, but I don’t like to. I don’t feel comfortable in there because I never buy anything. I’m not a coffee drinker. Mark Starbucks down as “last resort.”

We’re not totally McDonaldsless around here, but the next closest one is about six miles away. Or I can drive over to a neighboring county, where the content filters aren’t as conservative. It’s even worse now that I have a recent book release. I want to check up on my sales but the library won’t let me. I have to drive across town, find a public place and hope a) they have WiFi, b) their system doesn’t block erotica publishers, and c) it’s working to start with. Failing that, the only way I can keep abreast of my own books is to leave town.

Screw this. It may finally be time to bite the bullet and get WiFi at home. Especially with winter coming on. It was different when McDonald’s was just up the street. I’m not driving all over creation for a five-minute checkup on my books, just because I live in an area that’s squeamish about consenting adults making love. In prose, without pictures. Have you ever looked at the covers? Nothing’s going on. But some little kid might happen onto the site and (gasp!) read something. Like they couldn’t do that in the Kmart with Fifty Shades of Grey.

Or I could switch genres. Write mystery or horror or thrillers. Craft lengthy scenes with women getting beaten, abused, dismembered and raped, usually by page 1. Those publishers’ sites are never blocked by anybody. I guess that stuff’s okay to show to The Children.

Let’s see how sales do for my newest book. I can get home Internet through my cable TV outfit, for a reasonable rate. They’ve already assured me they don’t block anything. Of course, if I have home Internet, I’ll probably never leave the house again. If I drop off the face of the earth, you’ll know I’m at home watching porn. Pardon me, “doing research.” God, I love this job.

Adventures in Censorship, Part II

This is a continuation of a minor side project of mine. To recap: I live in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, a heavily conservative area. Earlier this year, their public library’s content filter started blocking the web site of my publisher, Siren-Bookstrand, on the grounds of “adult content.” Hey, I told the folks at the desk, I’m an adult. I’m a writer. I create some of that content you don’t want me to look at. I’m not even on the library’s computers. I’m looking at smut on the privacy of my own laptop. Is there any way a grownup can look at grownup sites at the public library?

Nope, they told me. It’s the computer system. It scans for certain key words. If those words come up, the site goes bye-bye. There’s nothing they can do. (Translation: “It’s not our fault.” No human being’s to blame. Funny how often that explanation comes up.)

Anyhoo, last month I was at a library outside of Lancaster County, and I got onto the Siren site just fine. In fact, I got onto several sites blocked by Lancaster County’s content filter. Which got me wondering: does this hold true all over? Do different counties in the same state—the same general geographic area—have different ideas of what constitutes objectionable material? Is what’s too “adult” for the goose in Lancaster County good for the gander in Chester?

Having nothing better to do, and as always looking for an excuse not to write, I decided to find out. I visited libraries in four of Lancaster’s neighboring counties: Dauphin, Chester, Berks and Lebanon. I attempted to log onto four erotic publishers’ sites: Siren, Loose Id, Liquid Silver, and the queen of dirty books, Ellora’s Cave. As a “control” I picked a site I know for sure is porn, even though it’s all prose and no pictures. Which content filters would let me on where?

Keep in mind all four of these publishers have their own content filters. They don’t publish anything that includes rape for titillation, underage sex, forced sex, bestiality (werewolves don’t count), necrophilia (vampires don’t count), incest or pseudo-incest, or fun with bodily functions. They do include actual plots and characters, things usually missing from true porn. It’s all consenting adults doing consensual things, all in words with no dirty pictures, not even the covers. I guess anyone under (or over) 18 isn’t deemed ready for that.

All five library systems blocked the actual porn site. So occasionally these systems do the job they were designed for. Good to know. On the other hand, all five systems let me onto a fan fiction site that contains stuff just as twisted, kinky and smutty as anything you’d find on the porn site, some of it written by the 14-year-olds the system is supposed to be protecting. The difference is the fanfic site doesn’t flash the key words the computer’s looking for, so it gets a pass. The same holds true for an artists’ site I know about, or Google Images, for that matter. You can access true porn on a library system if you know which sites to look for.

And now, on to the main event. How did the various content filters measure up?

Lancaster County, my stomping grounds, blocked everything. Like I said, I used to be able to get onto Siren, but that ended earlier this year. I was never able to get onto Ellora’s Cave. The system let me onto Liquid Silver’s home page, but wouldn’t let me navigate around the site. I can still get onto Samhain’s site without problems. I guess the computer hasn’t caught that one yet. Oddly, Siren’s Manlove site is still available, probably because nobody thought to program that word into the computer. I’m betting “erotic,” “erotica” or “erotic romance” are what’s dinging the system’s bells. The funny thing is, I can access Siren’s books on Amazon, so the same smut they’re blocking on one site is fully visible on another. How is that supposed to protect the children?

Dauphin County lets you look at anything. I accessed all four sites with no trouble. Dauphin’s the home of Harrisburg, the state capital, so maybe they’re more grown-up over there. Or maybe our state reps like to look at porno in public. I’ll have to write to my congressman and ask him about that.

Chester County blocked Siren, although the page told me I could still get on if I asked the librarian. It let me onto the other three without a blink of the screen. Yep, even Ellora’s Cave. Wonder what poor little Siren did to upset their content filter? Bet if they took that “erotic romance” label off their banner they’d slip through the crack just fine.

Berks County okay’d Siren and Loose Id but blocked Liquid Silver and Ellora’s Cave. Don’t know why. Were the former deemed less dirty? Are there different gradations of smut? Something must have hit the Berks computer’s early warning system on the latter two sites. Or maybe the computer just hasn’t gotten around to Siren and Loose Id yet. Or maybe nobody’s ever tried to access erotic romance publishers’ sites often enough for the computer to notice. I’ll address that in a sec.

Lebanon County let me onto everything except Liquid Silver. Again, I don’t know why. Liquid Silver is too adult but Ellora’s Cave isn’t? I suppose I could have asked the librarian in any of these cases, but I didn’t want to draw attention to these sites and risk them all getting blocked everywhere. I’m sure I’m not the only writer trying to research potential publishers and who doesn’t have Internet at home. I didn’t want to mess things up for anyone else.

Yeah, what about that? What about the innocent children these systems are supposed to be shielding from Da Smut? Chester County’s system said flat out they were acting in compliance with the Child Protection Act. Is the system working?

I see kids on computers all the time at my local library. Here’s what they’re doing: they’re playing games or they’re on Facebook or they’re watching videos or they’re—gasp!—doing legitimate research for homework assignments. One thing they’re not doing is trying to access erotica publishers so they can read the dirty bits. That’s what Mom’s paperbacks are for. Or 50 Shades of Grey, which is sitting right out there on the Walmart shelves for anybody to publicly flip through. In the last ten years we’ve only had one case of somebody accessing porn sites at the library that I’m aware of, and that was an adult. And me, trying to research possible markets.

Holy smokes! I’m the one the system is trying to protect from Da Smut!

While we’re on the subject of protection, here are some sites Lancaster County’s system did let me onto: how to build a pipe bomb (videos and written instructions); how to make homemade explosives; how to grow marijuana (indoors and outdoors); and a site selling automatic rifles. This was on the library’s own computers, not my personal laptop. The library system even deleted my browsing history for me when I was done, so the government can’t track me down. So if I ever want to buy a gun or build a bomb to blow up the library for not letting me onto the site that offers my own books for sale, I know right where to go to get the relevant info.

But hey, they’re keeping dirty books out of the hands and away from the eyes of The Children. That’s the important thing.

I think for Christmas I’m going to treat myself to home Internet through my cable TV provider. They’ve already assured me they don’t block anything and their office is right up the street so if problems arise I can go yell at a human being. In the meantime I can continue to get free WiFi at the local McDonald’s, which lets anyone look at anything, including flat-out porn. Plus you can get McNuggets. Can’t beat that with a stick.

Watch the Content

I used to like the library. I still do, in some respects. I can do research, read all sorts of books for free, and watch movies and entire seasons of TV show. I’ve now caught up with Hell’s Kitchen on DVD. Watching alleged professional chefs screw up even simple dishes and get reamed out by a psychotic Scotsman makes me feel much better about my own lack of cooking ability.

The library is where I’ve been getting my Internet for the last decade or so. I started out checking emails on their computer system. Now that I have a laptop I’ve been taking advantage of the library’s free WiFi to post blogs, buy stuff from Amazon, check the emails, look for jobs and writing markets, and watch videos on YouTube. Don’t look at me like that. Everybody watches videos on YouTube. Just not everybody admits it.

Things were going along so well, until I ran afoul of the danger inherent in any free program offered by an institution funded by taxpayer money: censorship and restrictions. In this case, the library system’s content filter.

I suppose all public libraries have a content filter. Without it, the library would be filled with 14-year-old boys surfing porn sites, which would upset other parents. (Not the parents of the boys. Their boys don’t do things like that.) Our local library had an incident about seven-eight years ago where a grown man got arrested for accessing porno on the library’s computer system. I live in a hard-line conservative area (lots of Amish and Old Order Mennonites here in the Dutch Country). Imagine some Mennonite woman and her brood drops in to the library in search of children’s books. They pass the computer section and some doof is watching Girls Gone Topless. Explain that to a six-year-old raised in a religious environment. Hence the restrictions on content.

I had my own incident on a library computer once, when I was cruising for Lord of the Rings and hit an Aragorn/Legolas slash fan site. The computer froze up and the screen informed me I wasn’t allowed to be there. I had to go to the desk and explain how I’d “accidently” done a no-no. The new program doesn’t freeze the screen, it just tells you content’s been blocked. A vast improvement, I say.

I never minded the restrictions so much. Sure, it’s a hassle at times, given my choice of genre (primarily M/M). I can’t watch gay porn videos or research too much of anything having to do with sex. That includes publishers like Ellora’s Cave, which is blocked for adult content. How the hell am I supposed to check out new markets for erotica when the system won’t let me look at their sites? In those cases, I can just go to McDonald’s. They have free WiFi too, and they’ll let you look at anything. You don't even have to eat the food.

But mostly I just shrugged and continued to go to the library. Where I live, it’s less than a quarter mile away. I can walk up the street and take advantage of the freebies. All good.

Until last week, when I went to log into my publisher’s site and discovered it had been blocked for “adult/explicit sexual content.” Huh? Wha? I’ve been cruising that site for the last half-dozen years and all of a sudden it’s a threat to morality? What gives?

So I went to the desk to find out what gives, and got even more bad news. The content blocker is a countywide system run by computer. There’s no way around it. You have to accept the library’s Acceptable Use Policy in order to use the free Internet, and the content blocker’s part and parcel of it. The folks behind the desk can temporarily shut it off for the library’s computer system, but those of us using our own computers are basically SOL.

Apparently the IT folks recently updated the system. That’s why my publisher, who’s been flying under the radar lo these many years, suddenly ended up on the program’s Do Not Access list. So I can’t get onto the site any more. I can’t get into my author account to check my sales or royalty statements or bring myself up to date on bestsellers or new releases. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or trouble-free WiFi where local government funding is at stake.

There’s also the possibility I could be blocked from my other blog, Shapeshifter Seductions. I was clicking through our blog hop over the weekend and one of the sites was filtered out for content. We’ve got the word “seductions” in our title. It’s only a matter of time.

What can I do about it? Well, I can go to the local McDonald’s, about a mile away. It’s a good thing I live in a commercialized suburban area. I could even drive over to the Barnes and Noble’s in Lancaster and use their WiFi system. I’ve never set up my laptop in a bookstore’s café. Some writer I am.

I can’t go to Burger King. They use a content blocker.

Eventually, I’ll have to bite the bullet and get home Internet, probably from my cable TV provider. They’re also right up the street from me. If anything goes wrong, I can go to the office and scream at a human being instead of having to wend my way through some labyrinthine phone answering system. You can’t beat that with a stick.

And in case you were wondering: the same library that won’t let me log onto my publisher’s site or access my own books any more does carry 50 Shades of Grey. Three copies, in fact. Seems there’s quite a demand. They also have Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series, which is the next best thing to commercial soft-core porn. I’ll have to check the shelves to see if they have any of Anne Rice’s books.

I should also check for war or crime sites and see how many images of explicit violence the content filter lets through. Something tells me that would be okay.

So, until I cough up the bucks for home Internet, I’ll be viewing my publisher’s site, and my porn, at McDonald’s. For the really hardcore, skeevy stuff, I’ll just go on fan fiction sites. You can find any kink you like, all in explicit detail and all for free, and it’s still accessible through the library’s system. Hypocracy, gotta love it.