Blog Buffet

Today I'm going to write a bunch of briefies for your reading pleasure. Read them all or sample, it's up to you. That's the upside of a buffet. The downside is that bitch who picks out all the baby corn so you don't get any, and that guy who hogs the chicken wings. Well, he's going to get sick later because the mashed potatoes are past their expiration date. So there.

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A couple blogs back I mentioned that guy who self-published a hard science fiction book called The Martian, which took off like a rocket ship and eventually brought him a movie deal. After I calmed down and got over my jealousy fit, I realized he'd proved a theory of mine. It is possible to make a million bucks a dollar at a time. He created a product, priced it at 99 cents, and got a whole shitload of people to each give him a dollar. Granted, he got a boost towards the end from the Random House hardcover sale and the movie deal, but he was doing just fine on his own before that happened. I don't know if he's earned a full million yet, which was also part of my theory: you won't get the million all at once. It's an accrual process.

The big question now is, what does he do for an encore? It's like being George Lucas after Star Wars. Not that Lucas ever had to work again after Star Wars. I suggest this guy retire, enjoy his good fortune, and write for his own amusement. Which is what led to his success in the first place. Good luck, guy.

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The other day my luck ran out. The odds finally caught up with me. I was in the bathroom and using the handicapped stall when an honest-to-gosh handicapped person came in. There I was, parked in her designated space. I told her to hang on, I'd be right out, then I rushed through pulling up the pants and exited the stall posthaste. She was Mennonite, so I was spared any snide remarks or dirty looks. They're nice people.

I've been using handicapped stalls for years, and this is the first time this has happened. I'm not the only one who does it, either. They're a favorite of moms with small kids, especially if Mom has two or more in tow. Those stalls are nice and roomy. You can take the whole brood in there and keep an eye on them while they do their business. Plus there's the added safety of the bars, which the kids can hang onto or play on while Bro or Sis takes a dump.

I've found the bars good to grab on if I have to strain, and they make standing easier when my knee gives me trouble. Besides, I'm not as skinny as I was at 20. I've been in stalls that are narrow as cattle chutes. I feel like I should come out bucking. I have room to spread out and store my stuff in a handicapped stall. Given the country's obesity epidemic, I say all stalls should be handicapped stalls, so we can all enjoy these advantages.

I don't park in handicapped spaces, though. I like to park next to cart returns. Not only can I just drop off the cart, it makes it easier finding the car. Plus it wouldn't hurt me to walk a few extra steps. Do enough of that and maybe someday I'll be able to fit into a regular stall.

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WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. Got watching the original '60s version of Planet of the Apes again the other day. This time something finally hit me: it's the only movie in the series where the apes are fully in charge. In the second one there was a group of mutated humans who could still talk and think. They blew up the planet at the end of the movie. Guess the damn dirty apes were right about mankind all along. The last three movies in the original series took place in the past (the moviegoer's present/near future) and showed how the apes came to power. I don't recall ever seeing the last one (Battle for the Planet of the Apes?) but I think some humans were still intelligent at the end of it. When Tim Burton did his remake, humans were repressed, but not mindless, dumb animals. I think there were native, intelligent humans in the TV series, too.

Why? Because we humans are an arrogant bunch, and we don't like watching movies where we're not at the top of the food chain. We want our happy endings, defined as "humans win." That's why Ripley keeps defeating the Aliens, and Arnie made his Terminator character a good guy after he became a big star. In Jurassic Park us hairless monkeys can't even hope for a draw, so the humans keep running away. The dinos always win in the end, but the human characters are still alive.

I blame Star Wars for today's near-extinction of the downer movie ending. More movies coming out of the '60s and '70s had downer endings. I'm not talking bittersweet or mildly hopeful. I'm talking flat-out downer, like the '70s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Man, I hated the end of that movie. But that was the '70s. That era ended when Jaws and Star Wars raked in the big bucks with high action and triumphant endings. Show me a recent movie that made huge box office while being a total downer. Go ahead, I dare ya. (And not Titanic. Rose survives. That had a bittersweet ending.)

In fact, I challenge anyone to show me an adaptation of Animal Farm that keeps the book's ending intact. I'm not holding my breath.

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Finally, a question arose in the grocery store checkout while I was buying Mrs. Paul's fish fillets. Namely, what does Mr. Paul do? Sit home and drink beer while his wife is out working? There's a possibility Mr. Paul is the Gorton's Fisherman, which means he's out to sea most of the time. I suspect Mrs. Paul is having an affair with Uncle Ben behind Aunt Jemima's back. There's a whole sleazy soap opera going on in the packaged foods aisle. I'd stay away from the canned goods altogether. You don't want to know where the Green Giant's been. Ho ho ho!

No Idea

Update from last week: the library and their IT contact relented, so I once again have access to my blog. Sort of. I can post and view comments from Blogger, just like last week. I just can't view the blog. To do that and to leave comments, I have to leave Blogger and go directly to the site. Then it's okay. I considered telling the library and getting the problem fixed, then decided to just live with it. If we get Blogger involved, they might take a harder look at Shapeshifter Seductions. I don't want to mess up anything else. Besides, this only happens at the library. If I go to Sheetz or Starbucks, none of this applies.

So here I am, for the time being. Freedom of speech wins again! And so does humanity. This is the first time the library admitted human beings were responsible for the blockage, and got actual people to fix it. Before they used to whine, "It's the computer program, not us. There's nothing we can do." Why? Did Skynet take over while no one was looking? I'll bet I could watch The Terminator online at the library without any problems, even though it's rated R and has a sex scene. Obscene amounts of violence is still not considered obscenity. America, land of contradictions.

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This is where the blog proper should begin. Or the blog improper. Remember, last week a computer program labeled this as Pornography. This week we're clean. And stumped. I have no topic to write about. No problem, really. I'll just do what I usually do: ramble until I make word count. That method hasn't let me down so far.

How about a nice, annoying whine? My first venture into self-publishing didn't go so well. Would promotion have helped? I have no idea. I wondered on a writers' site if I should join Facebook, but was told that only helps if you have a ton of followers to start with. Someone else said I had an "unfortunate" cover and need one that looks more professional. No way I'm going to tell Serena that. Another person agreed with me that the romance genre is currently saturated, especially on Amazon, where romance readers can get their fix for 99 cents. I've already documented my experiences trying to hunt down copies of Nocturne books, Harlequin's paranormal line. Apparently individual Nocturne books are only available online now. I notice RT Magazine doesn't review the Nocturne line any more. Maybe paranormal romance has reached the saturation point as well.

Meanwhile, here's a self-pubbing story from the other end of the spectrum. Some guy whose name I can't remember wrote a book called The Martian. It's hard science fiction, about an astronaut marooned on Mars and his efforts to survive. The author wrote it because he's fascinated by the science aspects and wanted to write a story that would be scientifically plausible. He initially posted it chapter by chapter on his blog, for free. People wrote in asking for an ebook version. He self-published on Amazon and charged 99 cents. People bought the book in droves, even though it was free on his blog. It became a bestseller on Amazon. Then on the New York Times. Then Random House bought the print rights and put out a hardcover edition. Then Hollywood called him up and wanted the movie rights. The movie version, starring Matt Damon, will be out in October.

"I don't have anything to do with the movie version," the author was quoted in an interview. "My job is to cash the checks."

I'm trying to be happy for the guy, I really am. This is the Cinderella story all writers dream will happen to them. The guy had written other things but never had any success. Then out of nowhere, pow. By all accounts, it's a well-written book with an engaging protagonist. It certainly struck a chord with a ton of readers. All without any sex scenes, I assume.

I haven't read it. I hadn't even heard this story until earlier this week, at the same time I was being told why my own self-published book had gone nowhere. In all honesty, when I read the synopsis the first thing I thought of was that old '60s movie, Robinson Crusoe on Mars. (Adam West has a bit part in it. I kid you not.) I don't know if I'll ever read it. Even though I like SF, hard SF was never my thing.

Mostly I'm sitting here stewing in jealousy and wrestling with self-doubt. All I ask of writing is to earn enough money to cover my bills so I don't have to look for a job. (I'm a woman over 50 who'd need medical benefits. Those start going up in price once you're over 50. The odds of me getting a job that pays a living wage with benefits aren't looking good in this economy.) I don't need the lightning strike. A near-miss or two would work out just as well.

It didn't work with paranormal romance. What do I do now?

What I'm doing now is an almost total rewrite of the story I just finished. I wrapped it up, let it sit for over a week, went back and reread it and decided it was missing something. I'm hoping the new version's better. I'll be sending it to a new (for me) publisher under a pen name. It's a paranormal romance. Wish me luck.

After that, I dunno. Maybe it's time to switch genres. Shake things up a bit. Writing something different might get the excitement going again. That energy transfers to the writing. The readers do pick up on it.

I could try those Stephen Kingish horror ideas I had in mind. Nothing beats writing horror when you're depressed. I could focus on the YA. Or mysteries. I like mysteries. Or straight comedy. Or gay comedy. I've got a M/M contemporary romcom in the works. Sooner or later, something has to hit. And if it doesn't … well, I'll always have this blog. At least until the library blocks me again.